Are You Hearing One Thing and Seeing Another?

A couple of weeks ago I met Stan when I was out for a walk. I hadn’t seen him for a while, but I immediately could tell that Stan seemed quite upset and preoccupied about something. Normally Stan is cheerful and outgoing, but he seemed withdrawn and so unlike the Stan I was used to seeing.

After talking a few minutes we decided to go to Starbucks for a coffee and it wasn’t long before he started to share about the issue he was struggling with.

Stan had a long time business relationship and friendship with Bob. It was a relationship which Stan had believed was based on honesty, friendship, and support.

Bob and Stan never really worked together officially. Over time there had been a mutual relationship that grew from sharing of information back and forth. In recent times, Bob had begun to question Stan’s abilities in subtle ways and yet at the same time continued to ask his advice and say how much he valued Stan and his work. The mixed message was very confusing.

Because of the friendship, Stan wanted to overlook this. Bob even referred business to Stan’s competitor, finding some justification for doing this. Stan had continued to believe Bob’s words of support . He wanted to think the best of Bob because of their relationship. This continued for some time until one day something too blatant happened.

At that point Stan realized that he could no longer ignore or make excuses for what was happening. It was important for Stan to make a choice. It was not an easy choice for Stan but he knew it was important. Deep down Stan knew that he needed to choose to believe in himself, and trust himself enough to acknowledge the discrepancy in Bob’s actions. It wasn’t easy because Bob still wanted to discuss things and justify his reasons “why”. There will always be a reason “why”. “Why” only keeps you in a loop of justifying inappropriate behaviour.

Have you ever been in a situation when someone tells you one thing and then their actions indicate the opposite?

Sometimes we forget that communication goes beyond words. We have a tendency to pay attention to words rather than other forms of communication. In most cases it’s easier to believe the words a person speaks because they’re usually saying what we want to hear.

The challenge with this is that on some level we know the truth and yet we don’t trust ourselves. We often need to have it reinforced by many experiences of the same thing. If someone tells you they respect you and want to do business with you and then they turn around and do business with someone else who offers the same product or service, that’s not congruent. It’s ok, and it is their choice who they do business with. That’s not the issue. What is the issue is that the words don’t match up with the behaviour or action.

Some people are good at influencing others and getting people on board. That’s a great skill to have as long as the actions validate the words.

When someone is doing one thing and saying another, there comes a time when we have to end the dialogue; otherwise, it just keeps going in circles.

If you notice that something isn’t quite right, ask yourself the question “does this behavior represent the words the person is speaking?”

The most important information about a person is their actions.

Stop making excuses for their behaviour and have the courage to trust yourself.